Telephone
by BeautifulCrimsonChaos
Summary: What happens when a system goes down on the Enterprise and no one knows how to fix it? Why no call Starfleet Central Directive? For any normal crew, this would be totally logical, but with the Enterprise nothing ever goes as planned! Rated T for some mild language. One-shot collection.
1. Chapter 1: Climate Control

**Ok, this story is really short I was just wondering what happens when you have a glitch on the Enterprise and no one knows how to fix it. The story is all in dialogue, and is a telephone conversation between two people.**

**Enjoy!**

**Summary: Jim is calling Starfleet to try and fix a problem aboard the Enterprise. Rated T for some mild language.**

"Hello, this is Starfleet Central Directive. How may I help you?"

"Umm…this is Captain James T.K-K- Kirk from the Enterprise. Would you maybe hand me over to s-s-someone who knows m-m- more than me about the ship's th-th-thermostat?"

"One moment please. I must locate the source that you require."

"Ok, you do that."

**Meeeep!**

"Hi, this is Juliette Savage from ship environment control department. How may I help you?"

"I'm captain of the Enterprise, and I'm only calling because my whole crew is s-s- sitting on the b- bridge freezing their butts off b-because some smartass k-k-killed our c-c- climate c-control."

"I see. What have you tried to rectify your problem?"

"E-everything!"

"Could you be a bit more precise?"

"No!"

"I see. I'm going to transfer you to my superior. Hold on for a second."

**Meeeep!**

"Hello, this is Anastasia Jones, head of climate control department. Juliette informs me that your thermostat is broken?"

"Give. Me. The. Damn. Telephone….NO! Do you want me to get Spock to give you a nerve pinch?...No…Then give me the phone….FINE!"

"Hello…"

"Hi, this is Nyota Uhura, ship's translator. Sorry about that little scuffle back there, our beloved captain can be rather stubborn…. _I'll kill you for that, Nyota!_"

"I see. How may I help you?"

"I j-just need you t-t-to unlock our c-climate control t-t-t-tablet. We'll b-be fine after that, I th-think."

"Of course, just hang on for a second…is that any better?"

"Yes, it's already warming up. Thanks!"

"Of course. Good day."

**Ok, that wasn't very good. I just had the idea and had to write it down somewhere. Please review and tell me what you think. I treasure all reviews, except for flames, which my life could do without.**

**Love,**

**S4E**


	2. Chapter 2: Tribbles

**I have followed the request of starfire341 and made this into a one-shot collection about different funny conversations Jim and the rest of the crew have with Starfleet control. I already have a humour one-shot series, but another never hurts, does it?**

**Thank you to my reviewers…**

**Dimplz: I'm very gllad you think this is cute. Tell me what you think of this next chapter, pretty pretty please?**

**Starfire341: I have made this into a one-shot collection, just like you suggested. Thanks so much for the marvelous idea, and feel free to check out any of my stories, and time you would like to. Thanks again!**

**Now, chapter two…**

**TRIBBLES**

Hello, this is Starfleet Pest Control Department speaking. How can I help you?"

"This is Commander Spock of the USS Enterprise. Perhaps you could instruct me o how to eradicate tribbles from my ship?"

"May I speak to the captain, please."

"He is currently incapacitated due to the large amount of tribbles which are currently residing upon his person. Will I suffice in his absence?"

"_Giggles. _Sure. Sorry about that. It's just a really funny image of James Kirk covered in tribbles. Are you too?"

"Is this of any consequence to the problem at hand?"

"Ummmm…YES!"

"Then, yes, I am, however, I still posess the full lung capacity and therefore the mission of contacting you was left in my hands."

"Ok. Let me just transfer you here…"

"Of course."

_Static._

"Hello, this is Casey Rodriguez. I understand you are having difficulties with tribbles taking over the ship?"

"Yes, that is correct."

"Well, I can't help with that. Sorry, tribbles aren't in the instruction book. I guess you'll have to figure it out on your own."

"This is a matter of life or death."

"Have a nice day!"

**So, Starfleet can't always get them out of a tricky situation. I know that the "Tribbles Invading the Ship" plot has been done many times, but I thought that I added a unique twist to it. Please tell me what you thought.**


	3. Chapter 3: Rigelian Tribble Disease

**This is the next chapter of Telephone. I'm so happy and surprised at how many people are enjoying this. It really makes my day to see all the reviews and follows and favorites in my inbox. So thank you for doing this for me!**

**2015nan: I'm glad you think this is funny. Please enjoy!**

**MusicalNinja15: You return! Yay! And yes, I liked the fact that Chekov and Kirk and everyone are all geniuses and yet they can't figure out the thermostat. It's pretty cute. Enjoy!**

**Sass Trek: Why, thank you!**

**Guest: The TOS episode with tribbles is really funny, and I adored the way they multiplied and then all fell out of the hatch. But I don't want to spoil any of the story for you, so I won't say any more. Just that you should go and watch it right now! XD**

**Next!**

**WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR LIMBS ARE FALLING OFF FOR NO APPARENT REASON**

"Hello, this is Madison Stark of Medical Support. What can I do for you today."

"Would you mind explaining to me why half the crew of this ship is in my Med Bay with limbs falling or fallen off?"

"It could be a problem with sharp edges."

"How stupid to you think I am? It's a disease! The limb in question turns a, extremely disturbing shade of orange and proceeds to rot off."

"Perhaps you picked this disease up on a planet."

"Yeah, I figured that one out, too. Just tell me what it is and how to cure it!"

"I've never heard of this disease. Did you have any unusual species on the ship prior to this outbreak? It is possible that they were carrying some infectional virus that the human immune system in unable to compromise for."

"English, please."

"It means that the species might have had a sickness that your immune system couldn't get rid of."

"There was an outbreak of tribbles on the ship a few weeks ago. They all died, though."

"OK. Just give me a sec."

PAUSE

_Muffled talking and moaning._

"BOOOOOONES! When is she getting back on the line?"

"Stop being an infant, Jim, or I'll hang up and use you as a test subject to figure out what this disease is."

"Hello?"

"Is that her? Please talk to her, my ear is falling off. And would you ask for her number?"

"No. Hello, this is Leonard McCoy speaking. Have you figured anything out?"

"Yes. You appear to have a case of Rigelian Tribble Disease."

"How do I cure it?"

"Just keep the limbs of all the patients safe. The disease will go away on it's own and then you can graft them back on. Now harm done. You see, tribbles aren't affected by it because they don't have any limbs themselves. However, they are rabid carriers."

"OK thank you."

"No problem."

CLICK

"Didja get her number?"

"No, I did not."

"I hate you, Bones!"

**Please review, it is like gold to me. Thank you all for reading.**

**BeautifulCrimsonChaos**


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